The records of the 2025 inaugural Farm Decathlon have been reconstructed from available memory, best estimates, and the surviving documentation of an event that was conducted, it must be noted, on a farm in Missouri with five competitive men and an unspecified quantity of bourbon present. Some scoring sequences, margin-of-victory figures, and precise event orderings have been lost to time, the general chaos of informal recordkeeping, and what the Commissioner formally classifies as "possible selective memory among one or more participants."
These records should be treated the way historians treat ancient texts: with respect for what survives, appropriate skepticism toward what has been added after the fact, and the understanding that the most unreliable narrator in the room is the one who claims to remember everything clearly. That narrator is Brett. Brett's version of events is archived separately, in a folder labeled Fiction.
All results presented here represent the official Farm Decathlon record. The Commissioner's rulings are final. Brett's objections are noted and set aside.
How It Began
For several years, five Wake Forest University Theta Chi brothers had gathered annually at Chris Seyer's farm in Cadet, Missouri for what amounted to the world's most exclusive unofficial annual retreat: fishing, hiking, bourbon, catching up on the year, and the kind of low-grade competitive nonsense that happens when you put five ambitious men on a farm with nothing to prove and an absolute need to prove something anyway.
In 2025, the gathering escalated. Someone — the historical record is unclear on who proposed it first, and multiple parties claim credit, none of them convincingly — suggested formalizing the competition. Not just friendly games. A decathlon. Ten events. Official scoring. A championship. Bragging rights for the entire following year to be held by one man and wielded without mercy.
The inaugural Farm Decathlon was held at Seyer's farm in October 2025. Ten events were scheduled. Nine were completed. One — Skeet Shooting — was cancelled due to equipment issues that the Commissioner describes as "unfortunate but instructive, particularly regarding Kevin." The field competed across the remaining slate: dice rolls, wiffle balls, a shotput, fishing rods, a radar gun, pickleball paddles, one lap of hard running, a football, cornhole boards, and the kind of focused competitive aggression that can only be produced by a decade of friendship and mutual, accumulating competitive anxiety.
When the dust settled and the math was complete, two men were tied. The tiebreaker was applied. One man was declared champion. That man was Kevin. The man who was not Kevin stood on his own farm and stared at the horizon. Seyer has not fully stopped staring. Kevin has not fully stopped talking about it. Neither of these facts is expected to change in 2026.
The Tiebreaker
At the conclusion of the nine completed events of the 2025 inaugural Farm Decathlon, Kevin and Chris Seyer were tied on points. The field held its breath. The tiebreaker protocol was invoked for the first time in Farm Decathlon history — most individual event wins determines the champion. The calculation took approximately thirty seconds. Kevin had four. Seyer had two. Kevin was declared the inaugural Farm Decathlon Champion.
He said, immediately and without hesitation: "You got to beat the champ to be the champ." This was his first official statement as champion. It has not been his last.
Seyer said nothing recorded by the official archive. He stood on his own farm — the farm he owns, the farm he hosts the event at, the farm where his fish live, where his shotput field is, where two of his event wins occurred — and he processed what had just happened. He is still processing it today. The 2026 Farm Decathlon exists largely because of what Seyer decided in that moment to do about it.
In the event of a tied final score, the Farm Decathlon Champion is determined by total individual event wins. This rule was invoked for the first time in the 2025 inaugural season. Kevin's four wins defeated Seyer's two. The rule will remain in effect for all future editions. The Commissioner notes that this rule was applied fairly, correctly, and without bias. The Commissioner also notes that Seyer has raised concerns about this rule exactly once per month since its application. The rule has not changed. The Commissioner is not going to change the rule. This statement is the official response to all future inquiries on this subject from Seyer.