THE COMPETITORS

The reigning Farm Decathlon champion with four individual event wins and a tiebreaker victory over Seyer that he will still be talking about at his own retirement party. Kevin is the group's elder statesman — a slightly-above-average former high school baseball player who "claims" club baseball at Wake Forest, though eyewitnesses report his attendance was, at best, weather-dependent. He is a runner when healthy, dangerous in anything baseball-adjacent, and won 2025 partly because the chaos events broke his way at critical moments. He will remind you of this. Constantly. At volume. In person and via text.

Chris Seyer owns the farm. He hosts the event. He was a nationally-ranked racquetball player in high school and a varsity cheerleader at Wake Forest. He runs Seyer Industries, is perpetually acquiring land throughout Cadet, collects vintage concert posters, has ongoing legal correspondence with an attorney named Mr. Finger, gives stock tips with zero attached disclaimers, and has what the Commissioner describes as "mild prepper energy trending toward moderate." Father of four boys. The most complete athlete in this field. Finished second in 2025. On his own farm. Via tiebreaker. He has not stopped thinking about this. We know because he has told us.

Graham is 5'10", approximately 150 lbs, claims an ocular disability that appears only to activate in events where he is expected to perform, and carries a pocket full of change at all times for reasons that have never been satisfactorily explained. Father to Leo, whose fashion sense surpasses that of every adult in this competition by a documented margin. In 2025, Graham won the Wiffle HR Derby and produced the certified upset of the entire event by winning Punt, Pass, Kick — his hidden football mechanics materializing from nowhere at the precise moment Kevin needed the lead. He has since built a spreadsheet. A 14-page cornhole analysis document. And an optimal Yahtzee strategy framework. The spreadsheet is about you.

Paducah's finest ER physician and the loudest man at every event he has ever attended — including, reportedly, his daughters' gymnastics meets, the local stay-at-home wives' tennis circuit, and a fishing hole where the documented strategy involves bourbon and waiting for fish to make poor decisions. Brett is genuinely excellent under actual clinical pressure (the ER training is real), delusionally confident in competitive settings, and somewhere between six and twelve cats deep depending on the season. He recently lost a bird named Bird. He named the bird Bird. This detail is not editorially irrelevant. He produced zero wins in 2025 and has not acknowledged this fact directly, preferring to discuss what the historical record should have said instead of what it says.

Boston born and raised. Wake Forest educated. Boston returned. Brian McGilvery is the most quietly dangerous competitor in this field — a caddy by upbringing, an observer by nature, and a man who won the 2025 Pickleball championship without making a single notable noise about it before or after. He nearly beat Kevin in Yahtzee overtime in the very first event. He has not mentioned this. He has not forgotten it. He grew up caddying, which means he reads courses, reads situations, and executes quietly while everyone else is still explaining their strategy to the group. He invented "car knee" to secure permanent shotgun seating privileges on group trips. He is connected to an unresolved Boston jewels situation. His THC gummy selection is, by multiple independent accounts, impeccable.