THE COMPETITORS

The reigning Farm Decathlon champion with four individual event wins, one lake jump, and a tiebreaker victory over Seyer that he will still be talking about at his own retirement party. Kevin is the group's elder statesman — a slightly-above-average former high school baseball player who "claims" club baseball at Wake Forest, though eyewitnesses report his attendance was, at best, weather-dependent. He is a runner when healthy, dangerous in anything baseball-adjacent, and won 2025 partly because the chaos events broke his way — including the Ice Lake Challenge, which Seyer invented, offered to the field, and did not take. Kevin took it. Kevin earned the bonus point. That point created the tie. He will remind you of all of this. Constantly. At volume. In person and via text.

Chris Seyer owns the farm. He hosts the event. He was a nationally-ranked racquetball player in high school and a varsity cheerleader at Wake Forest. He runs Seyer Industries, is perpetually acquiring land throughout Cadet, collects vintage concert posters, has ongoing legal correspondence with an attorney named Mr. Finger, gives stock tips with zero attached disclaimers, and has what the Commissioner describes as "mild prepper energy trending toward moderate." Father of four boys. The most complete athlete in this field. Invented the Ice Lake Challenge — a bonus-point opportunity for anyone willing to jump into the lake — watched Kevin immediately agree, declined to participate himself, and then lost the championship by one point via tiebreaker. The Ice Lake bonus point was the tying point. Seyer created the challenge. Seyer did not take the challenge. The Commissioner has noted the irony in writing.

Graham is 5'10", approximately 150 lbs, claims an ocular disability that appears only to activate in events where he is expected to perform, and carries a pocket full of change at all times for reasons that have never been satisfactorily explained. Father to Leo, whose fashion sense surpasses that of every adult in this competition by a documented margin. In 2025, Graham won the Wiffle HR Derby and finished as the runner-up in Punt, Pass & Kick — going second-to-last, posting strong numbers on the punt and pass, and watching Brett go last and edge him out with the longest kick of the day. Graham's response to this result has been methodical. He has since built a spreadsheet. A 14-page cornhole analysis document. And an optimal Yahtzee strategy framework. The spreadsheet is about you.

Paducah's finest ER physician and the loudest man at every event he has ever attended — including, reportedly, his daughters' gymnastics meets, the local stay-at-home wives' tennis and pickleball circuits, and a fishing hole where the documented strategy involves bourbon and waiting for fish to make poor decisions. Brett coaches his daughters with an intensity that sources describe as Earl Woods–adjacent, houses what multiple eyewitnesses report is a functionally unreasonable number of animals (the house has reportedly crossed a threshold where "home" and "barn" are no longer meaningfully distinct categories), and recently lost a bird named Bird. He named the bird Bird. In 2025, Brett won Punt, Pass & Kick — going last, processing the field's failures with the clinical efficiency of a man trained to make decisions under pressure, and delivering the longest kick of the day. RIP Bird. This one's for you.

Boston born and raised. Wake Forest educated. Boston returned. Brian McGilvery is the most quietly dangerous competitor in this field — a caddy by upbringing, an observer by nature, and a man who won the 2025 Pickleball championship without making a single notable noise about it before or after. He nearly beat Kevin in Yahtzee overtime in the very first event. He has not mentioned this. He has not forgotten it. He grew up caddying, which means he reads courses, reads situations, and executes quietly while everyone else is still explaining their strategy to the group. He invented "car knee" to secure permanent shotgun seating privileges on group trips. He is connected to an unresolved Boston jewels situation. His THC gummy selection is, by multiple independent accounts, impeccable.